


Blank

by TheRaven



Series: Memory [3]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Blow Jobs, Brainwashing, Dubious Consent, M/M, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-16
Updated: 2014-04-16
Packaged: 2018-01-19 14:21:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1472968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRaven/pseuds/TheRaven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve doesn't realize something is wrong until it's too late.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blank

It's been three weeks since Steve found him. Every day, he gets a little better, remembers a little more. The tiny apartment's walls slowly fill with sticky notes arranged in rough chronological order, neatly separated into years—Steve buys out an office supply store's stock of sticky notes when they run out of them in the apartment—and they reserve the table for that day's focus. Bucky grows more and more determined to remember as time goes on, something that comforts Steve even while it scares him a little.

Steve does the grocery shopping when they run low on food. Bucky tries to give him money before he leaves for work, but Steve insists on using his own money. From what he can tell, Bucky doesn't have a lot to spare, and anything he can do to make things easier on him, he'll do. Bucky doesn't say anything about it, but Steve is pretty sure he's grateful for it.

They settle into a routine. Each day after breakfast, Steve describes a memory to Bucky until he either remembers what happens next or gets too frustrated by the lack of recognition to continue. Bucky leaves for work soon after, and Steve locks all three locks behind him. Not that he needs to, being superhuman, but it's comforting in a strange way. Then Steve finds ways to fill the time until Bucky comes back, at which point he unlocks the door for him and discusses what to have for dinner with him. They eat, go over more memories, and go to bed.

Steve still sleeps on the floor of the living room. He doesn't mind, but it does get a little lonely when he knows Bucky is in the next room. But it's probably because Bucky doesn't fully trust him yet, and Steve doesn't blame him for that. But he trusts Steve enough to touch him sometimes.

Like now.

Bucky comes back from work looking like hell. He doesn't say anything to Steve, just shuts the door, locks it, and pins him to the wall next to it and kisses him. Steve just lets him do it, because something's hurt him today, and Bucky will tell him what it was when he wants to. Bucky has one hand on the wall next to Steve's head and one on the small of his back, pulling him closer, and his hot mouth swallows the little sounds Steve makes as he grinds against him. Steve carefully puts his hands on Bucky's hips and spreads his legs a little to get more contact, already half-hard in his trousers.

Bucky pulls away from him with a snarl and rips off his gloves, jacket, and shirt, throwing them behind him without looking. His metal arm glints in the low light, and his chest rises and falls with the panting breaths he sucks through his teeth as he stares at Steve like he's daring him to do something.

“You okay, Buck?” Steve says quietly.

“What do you want me to do?” Bucky ignores the question. “What do you want me to do?”

“I don't understand, Bucky,” Steve says carefully, taking a step toward him. “You have to explain—“

“Tell me what to do!” Bucky begs.

“Calm down,” Steve tells him, putting a hand out toward his shoulder. “You're upset. Something must have happened. Just calm down and tell me what it was, and we'll figure this out.”

Bucky flinches from the touch. He looks at Steve for a long time, and then he just turns and walks into the kitchen like nothing happened. Steve stares after him, wondering if it's safe to follow, until Bucky calls him into the kitchen to decide what to eat. He shows no sign of his outburst, save for his bare chest and a mouth that's a little redder than usual. Steve decides not to ask questions.

Later, when Steve is showing him the notes he has on a double date the two of them went on with a pair of fashionable young ladies shortly before Steve enlisted, Bucky steps smoothly around the table and kisses him again. Steve isn't expecting it, but it feels good, so he gently places his hands on Bucky's hips and rocks into him. Bucky hasn't put his shirt back on in the intervening time, having either forgotten about it or just stopped caring, and Steve moves one hand up just enough to brush his fingertips against the skin at the small of his back.

Bucky pulls back just enough to pull Steve's shirt off of him and throw it off to the side, and then his mouth is on Steve's throat. He sucks hard on the skin to the side of his Adam's apple, leaving a dark bruise in a very difficult-to-hide location, and moves down his throat to his chest. Steve gasps at the feel of his wet, hot tongue on one nipple, and he whines a little when Bucky moves back up to his mouth. But Bucky makes up for it by licking into his mouth and apparently attempting to draw his soul out from his throat, and Steve moans into him.

Steve's hands pull Bucky into him, and he grinds desperately against him. Bucky's hard, probably painfully so, and Steve doesn't know whether to bend him over the table to get on his knees. Bucky doesn't make it any easier on him when they break for air, either.

“What do you want me to do?” he asks breathily.

Steve considers, but that red, red mouth of Bucky's makes the decision for him.

“Get on your knees,” he says, and it comes out sounding more like an order than he means it to.

Bucky starts, and he gets a look on his face that Steve mistakes for blind lust. He sinks to his knees, but he doesn't do anything else right away. Steve assumes he just wants more specific orders.

“Undo my belt,” he says.

Bucky obeys silently, then waits for instructions. Steve has him unbutton and unzip his trousers and push them and his briefs down enough to pull his dick free. Bucky doesn't say a word.

“Well?” Steve asks when Bucky just waits for further instruction. “Go ahead. Suck my cock.”

Bucky does, with gusto. He takes the head into his mouth and probes at the slit with his tongue, and before Steve can keep giving instructions, he tilts his head a little for a better angle and swallows him down until his nose touches Steve's pubic bone.

“Jesus, Bucky!” Steve gasps, fisting his hands in Bucky's hair.

Bucky makes a sound low in his throat and swallows around him. He pulls off just enough to get air, pauses, and sinks back down again. His hands remain by his sides, and he makes another noise low in his throat when Steve pulls on his hair to better direct him without words. Steve establishes the pace, slow and measured so that Bucky has enough time to get air when he pulls back, and curses when he feels the familiar heat pooling in his gut much too soon.

Before he can warn Bucky, he's spilling down his throat. Bucky, to his credit, adjusts beautifully and swallows everything he can. He pulls off with an obscene pop and looks up at Steve with a dazed look on his face that Steve initially takes to mean he's come without touching himself.

Except Bucky's expression doesn't change when Steve looks at him longer than a few seconds. He doesn't smile or look embarrassed or anything. It's just that same blank stare. He doesn't even stand up, just stays there on his knees, looking up at him. Silent.

And that's when Steve realizes something is very wrong. He pulls his trousers and underwear back up, making himself decent as quickly as he can, and pulls Bucky into a standing position. He doesn't resist, and the look on his face doesn't change. His body is pliant, and he is completely silent.

Steve finally realizes what's wrong, and it makes his guts twist in horrible ways. Bucky has relapsed. He's retreated deep inside himself and left the shell that is the Winter Soldier to act for him. The thought that he's just taken advantage of Bucky when he wasn't himself sends Steve reeling, and he takes a step back. He feels sick. And Bucky just looks at him with that horrible blank expression, uncomprehending and waiting for further instruction.

“Bucky...” Steve says, not sure what to do.

Bucky's expression doesn't change. He stays stock still, waiting. And Steve doesn't know whether to hug him or run to the sink and throw up. He hurt Bucky. He let him revert to this state, and he made Bucky suck him off when he had no concept of free will. In the end, Steve decides that running to the sink and throwing up is the better option, partially because it quickly becomes the only option. He cleans the mess away and looks back at Bucky, who still hasn't moved or said a word, and he wants to cry. He doesn't know what to do.

“Bucky,” he says again, a little shaky but louder than the first time. “Bucky, I know you're in there.”

Bucky doesn't react.

“Bucky, come on,” Steve pleads, “you're in there somewhere.”

He actually puts his hands on Bucky's shoulders now, and he flinches. It's not a good thing, exactly, but it's a reaction. So he shakes him by the shoulders, repeating his name and searching for any hint of recognition. Nothing happens.

And nothing happens for the rest of the night. Steve winds up telling him to go to bed, because he doesn't know what else to do, and there's that small hope that whatever happened, sleep will fix it. Of course, Steve doesn't sleep a wink all night, and while he's too afraid to check on Bucky at all, he still listens from the living room for any signs that something, anything is happening.

When Bucky doesn't wake up at his normal time, Steve hunts for the number for Bucky's supervisor so he can call him in sick. He finds it in Bucky's phone, which is surprisingly not password-protected, and decides to just call from the phone rather than run out and find another one (there's no land line in the apartment). The phone rings twice, long enough for Steve to wonder if he'll have to leave a message, and the supervisor picks up.

“John?” the man asks, and Steve realizes that he must have caller ID.

“No, er,” Steve says, and also realizes that he hasn't thought up a good lie yet. “This is Steve, one of John's friends.”

“Okay...” the man says. “Didn't think he had friends. And you're, ah, calling from his phone because...?”

Steve thinks fast.

“John had a bit of a medical emergency,” he says, trying to sound confident in his lie. “He's been in the ER all night, and when I brought him back, he couldn't stay awake. So I'm doing him a favor by calling him in sick.”

“That's too bad,” the supervisor says. “It's not too serious, I hope?”

“Not that I can tell, but he's definitely down for the count today,” Steve says, feeling a little better about the lie now. “I'm not sure if he'll be back tomorrow, either.”

“Well, he hasn't taken a sick day yet, so let him know he can take all the time he needs,” the supervisor tells him. “We can manage without him for a little while.”

“Thank you,” Steve says.

He hangs up, feeling a little better, and finally goes to see if Bucky is awake.

Bucky is sitting on the edge of the bed, fully dressed and staring straight ahead. His gaze flickers to Steve when he opens the door, but he doesn't say anything. Steve searches his face for a sign that he's back to normal, but it's that same dazed expression. Apparently, sleep did not in fact help anything. Steve is at a loss. He thinks about calling S.H.I.E.L.D., but he's afraid they'll just keep him captive indefinitely or worse.

So he carefully crosses the room to stand in front of him and crosses his arms over his chest.

“Hey,” he says, and Bucky's blank gaze settles on his. “You should eat something.”

Bucky gets up and leaves the room without a word, and Steve hears him in the kitchen, preparing breakfast for himself. Steve leaves the room to watch him, looking for signs of life and finding none. Bucky is just mechanically eating, obeying orders. He finishes his food and does the dishes unprompted, which would be a good sign, but it doesn't feel like it. Bucky turns to him and waits.

They go through the whole day like this, with Steve telling Bucky what to do. He still hasn't said a word, and the silence only serves to make Steve feel guiltier. He's hoping that something will trigger the return of his friend, nothing seems to be working. They watch television for hours because Steve doesn't know what to do with him, and Bucky still doesn't say a word to him.

By that night, he's at a loss. Bucky still hasn't come back to him, and it's looking like this just might be how things will be from now on. Steve thinks about calling S.H.I.E.L.D. again. At least they could take care of him. Steve wouldn't be able to order him around 24/7 indefinitely, after all. Maybe they could make him comfortable, give him a routine. It might be better for him that way.

But he doesn't call. Instead, he sits Bucky down on the bed, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear, and takes him by the hand. Bucky doesn't react, but Steve is undeterred.

“I don't know how to fix this,” he admits, looking into Bucky's eyes. “But I'll stay with you as long as it takes for you to get better. I promised I wouldn't leave you, remember? Cause I'm with you to the end of the line, Bucky. You know I am.”

“Steve?”

Steve starts. Bucky's looking at him with fear and confusion in his eyes, and it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. Overcome, he leans over and kisses him passionately, relishing the easy way Bucky puts his metal hand on the back of his neck to pull him in.

“I thought we were in the kitchen,” Bucky says when Steve pulls away.

“You had an episode,” Steve tells him, not even trying to hide it. “I think you reverted back to the Winter Soldier. You were quiet, and you waited for orders before you did anything. I've been trying to get you back for twenty-four hours now.”

He kisses him again, and Bucky pulls him onto the bed with him.

“Did anything bad happen?” he asks.

Steve debates lying, but if he does and Bucky somehow finds out, it'll be so much worse than telling the truth now. So he gathers his courage, takes a deep breath, and tells him.

“You sucked me off before I noticed anything was wrong,” he says. “I thought you were taking orders because you wanted to, but...”

Bucky looks at him with a strange expression that he's pretty sure somehow contains no anger or disgust. He nods and looks away.

“I'm sorry,” he says.

“No, I—I'm the one who's sorry,” Steve says, surprised and a little sick. “I took advantage of you!”

“I'm sorry I relapsed, though,” Bucky replies.

“It's okay, really,” Steve insists. “I was just scared. I didn't know how to fix it.”

Bucky nods.

“I hope it doesn't happen again,” he says, “but I can't promise it won't. Brainwashing isn't exactly something you can fix overnight.”

“No, it's okay,” Steve says. “I just want to be able to help you.”

“You are,” Bucky tells him.

He kisses Steve, and his hands slide under Steve's shirt. Steve doesn't notice until Bucky pulls away and starts trying to remove it entirely, at which point he stops and looks horrified.

“What are you doing?” he asks. “Are you okay?”

“No,” Bucky admits, “but I want to touch your body and remember it this time.”

Steve thinks about it. By all accounts, he should be making Bucky get another good night's rest and talk about this tomorrow. But he's already a little hard, and he wants Bucky to touch him. Badly. So he lets Bucky take his shirt off and watches while Bucky strips, tossing his clothes to the side of the bed. He lets him strip his pants and underwear off of him, and he lets Bucky climb on top of him on the bed.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” he asks when Bucky's hand strays to his hip.

“I want to remember,” he says simply.

And that's good enough for now.


End file.
